dreamershewolf

State of the Anyanka

2009-09-10T20:59:01Z

I'm goin to Canada!!! That's right bitches! My first time out of the country! I'll be signing up for my passport next week! Rob and Jen are coming down for a visit in November for 2 weeks and then I'll road trip back with them, stay a week, then fly back down. Yea!!!! So excited. Just what I need! A little time away from here! On another note, have kicked Mr. Married to the curb. Couldn't take it anymore. I still feel really lonely. I love my kitties but... not the same. On the other hand, if it weren't for them, I'd have packed a bag and headed out and been somewhere else that's not here by now. I feel like I'm drowning here. I also know I can't leave. I don't know why, but I just can't. Maybe I will move to Mobile. We'll see. I need to get out of this rut desperately! I'll talk to Donn and Wayne this weekend and ask them if they have any good ideas about someone I could room with who doesn't mind 2 cats? As far as work is concerned.... let me just say this.... and you may think I'm a total bitch for this but as my mother loves to say "It is what it is". The more racism and attitude is shown towards me, the more racist I become. My friends who have traveled say it isn't like that in other places but, I don't live in other places. Unfortunately, I live here and have to deal with this every day. How do you deal with it? How do you not become bitter and jaded and hateful when that's what you're surrounded with? I'm all for Celtic heritage pride and Black Pride and Brown Pride and whatever other kind of pride you wanna have as long as it isn't used as a statement to say "I am better than you and I can act like a total idiot and do less work than you and be as ugly as I want to anyone who isn't like me because I'm ____ and I'm better than you". That's what I can't stand. I can't stand people who use their race as an excuse to be ugly and get away with it because if you say anything about it then that makes you racist. Even if it has nothing to do with their race and everything to do with just their behavior, if you say they're being ugly and the attitude is a problem. This is just another of the many reasons I no longer wanna live in the south. It just sucks. Don't get me wrong, some things here are just too good to be true. You can't beat the cooking, for one. Let me see, what else.... um.... well..... hmmmm.... I know where everything is..... and .... um...... well, yeah, that's about all I can think of. I can learn a map somewhere else and I'm not a horrible cook. What am I waiting for? Oh yeah, I'll never find another job like this one. Sigh... well, maybe. Boston sounds like fun maybe but I don't know anyone there. I really need to get my paralegal degree damnit. Soon my pretties.... mwah hahahaha mwah hahahaha. lol Til next time.

dreamershewolf @ 2009-08-14T16:11:00

2009-08-14T21:55:45Z

So, a lot has happened. One of my best friends, Gus, had some issues with depression and anxiety. It got bad. Long story short, I still love him and he won't talk to me at all anymore. It sucks. I miss my friend. I wish he was still that person. My other best friend, Melody, is back in California with her husband who treats her horribly and now she's pregnant. She's trying to make a good decision on whether to leave or not. We'll see. She's usually back and forth on it anyway. On another note, I find myself completely uninterested in everyone but one person. Problem is I'm not allowed to be interested in him. He's married. They'll be starting their divorce soon and I find myself guiltily excited about that. On another note, work is okay except that I hate stupid people and mostly that's what ends up in jail and of course we have to talk to them. Yeah. I find myself lately really wanting to up and move somewhere away. Like maybe, Washington state or maybe even Scotland. Just away. I am recently discovering how much I really am a disgrace to my family. They love me but hate the way I live my life. They hate a lot of the choices I make. They can't understand why I'm not "a normal girl". Now that I've gotten all of my freakiness (so to speak) out of my system and I wanna settle down and get married and have a kid (maybe), that doesn't seem to be an option anymore. I don't feel like I have any real friends anymore. I am really damn depressed most of the time now. It sucks. I live by myself and everyone around me at work and at home makes me feel like I'm ugly and worth a whole lot of nothing. Everyone thinks I'm too weird, or too fat, or too lazy, or too old, or too young, or..... The list goes on. It's always something. Yea, I know, I'm wallowing. Some days I just can't help it though. I just wanna roll over cry for awhile and go back to bed. I feel absolutely useless. Yep, time to watch "Muriel's Wedding" again. lol Oh, I've been speaking with Todd again. I like his girlfriend. I actually get along with her pretty well. I might be going over to see them tonight. Hopefully we'll get to watch True Blood tonight. I had a really good weekend this weekend. I went shopping and got a pair of jeans, 2 shirts, a camisole, a bra, a pair of panties, a pair of shoes, a necklace, and 3 pairs of earrings for right at $100 and I did it in less than 45 min. :D I went to Mobile to visit with my friends Donn, Wayne, Bobby, Doug, and a few others from the Mobicon family. I love it over there. I'm half tempted to move over there. Problem is I'll never find another job that gives me as much lee-way as this job. I so desperately wanna move away from Gulfport though. My feet are positively itchin to move somewhere else. I'm tired of the crap here. I need to make my own little niche in the world. It ain't here. That's painfully obvious at this point. Nobody wants me here. Well, there is one but it doesn't really matter and half the time I'm not sure about that one anyway. I've been offered a place in Canada. Interesting offer. Hmmmm. Well definitely food for thought. I'd need some money saved up before I could go though. I'd need about as much money as I have in debt right now. grrr. So I don't know that I'd be able to go anyway. I may just have to win the lottery and be done with it. lol Yeah right. If only it were that simple, right? If I won the lottery, I'd be in Scotland. I want to be the hell away from here so bad I can taste it. Well, a girl can dream. ::sigh:: Of course I could bitch all day long about what I don't have but truthfully what I don't have is a lot of problems that many others do have. Sadly, I'm just human enough that that actually makes me feel a little better. Then, of course, I feel guilty about feeling that way. It's a vicious cycle. lol Oh, I got the new Tori Amos cd. :) meesa happy.

Tori:
"So let's be strong, you and me. The night is opening. Our angels are falling and they'll warm us; I'm feeling soon my dear, maybe California; You'll leave them with emptiness, for all their lifetime wishes will be dashed upon those cliffs; starlight shining down for every tear in every town."

dreamershewolf @ 2008-11-25T15:51:00

2008-11-25T22:18:54Z

So, I'm still broke so no gym membership yet. I did go and see a movie last night though (thanks to Gus). We went to see Twilight. Fantastic! Now I can't wait to read the books. The bad guy, James, was so hot. I felt very "grrrr" after the movie. I love that feeling. I think I'll go out sometime this weekend. I do know that I'm going to go see that movie again tomorrow when I get paid. I have decided to come out of the cave of my self induced hermit-like state. I've been getting steadily more depressed and I'm just wallowing at this point. Pathetic, really. Time to get motivated and dust off the cobwebs and useless men I've been torturing myself with. The game awaits.... :) Wish me luck! I think I'll go hit some clubs and maybe even go to a LARP game in ocean springs. Maybe... if I can ever hit it when it's not right at the end of my pay period and I'm broke as hell. Spiritually.... not much going on. I just can't seem to find the inspiration to write spells anymore. Silly, I know, but I start to write and just... BEEEEEEEEPPPPP..... dial tone.... nothing. I guess that means I shouldn't be writing right now. I'm spending my thanksgiving with the folks blessedly free of my hateful sister-in-law. Unfortunately? that means that I don't get to see my brother or my niece. The last time they were over my niece was asking for me and my sister-in-law wasn't there and mom didn't tell me that. She just tried to guilt trip me into coming over. I was grumpy. I'd been up gaming for over 24 hours and was still playing in said D & D game when she called. I slept so hard. That was the weekend before last. We're almost at the end of this chronicle. I'm so excited! We're at 19th level! If anything stops this game from completing at this point I think they'll lock me up! Lol! So, other than that not much going on. Just the usual: work, home, work, home. Hopefully, I'll meet someone new and interesting soon. I need new flavors of personality in my life. I'm happy with the friends I have for the most part but I would like to add a few to the mix that blend well that everyone likes and is happy with. Wish me luck! Mwah!

Over the grumpies

2008-11-06T16:01:43Z

So now that I'm over the grumpies from havin to listen to my parents bitch about it... I realize where my head has always been. I'm a liberal person. I'm very strange and odd. I'm not part of the status quo. I want to see things change. I want positive honest change. More freedoms. Less economic robbery. I really hope Obama can fix Bush's fuck-ups. On another note... I'm lonely. I want to meet someone new and be happy but... I'm so depressed I can't hardly make myself leave the house. It's an act of congress for Gus to get me to leave the house just to go eat at a resturaunt somewhere. I don't want to care about him anymore. I want to be done with him. I don't want to jump every time the phone rings. I don't want to want him, to feel his skin on mine, to feel his fingers in my hair. ARG! See what I mean! It's annoying as hell. I just want him out of my head. Things are pretty slow at work. Just business as usual. My brother just got back from Chicago. He was there doing stuff for FEMA. Apparently things are not going well with him and his wife. Surprise surprise. Lol. I really can't stand her. Her father is the head of the police dept. for the entire country of Poland. She has a masters in accounting and she's multilingual. She seems to think she is better than everyone and that because she is so special she can, of course, do no wrong. Did I mention that she's blond and has little to no common sense. She also has horrible manners. For example, the other day my niece said to her daddy that she was smarter than all the kids in her class in a way that implied she went around saying this often, in front of the other kids, in a very snotty way. Donnie replied with "That may be true but it's rude if you go around saying that." Then his bitch wife says "Why not? It's the truth". At which point I thought, what a bitch. I'd have slapped her. Oh well, next subject before I get carried away and need to erase another page of venting. I have whole imaginary arguments with her in my head. I am so damn tired right now. I didn't get my ususal energy drink this morning and I'm paying for it. Must have coffee.... unggghhh..... zombie must sleep for there is sunlight! Gotta work now.

It's over

2008-11-05T16:32:20Z

I went to work this morning and everyone was happy and jumping around. I can't help but think about how they all look like lambs dancing their way to the slaughter. I am a huge advocate of equality, people's rights, and generally a pretty democratic person. I think I'm pretty liberal. I'm a 30-year-old bisexual pagan. I believe in gay marriage, smoker's rights (I am one), and I'm pro-choice to a point. I believe if you're raped or it's your life or the kid, if there's drugs involved, or any number of possible extenuating circumstances that you should be allowed to make that choice. I don't believe women should use that as a form of birth control though. But it's hard to be to excited when the only positive thing I've heard about Obama is that he's black. I keep hearing how he wants to turn us into socialists and how that will be horrible because it could throw us into the next Great Depression. We're already in recession. All I hear is how under his administration he's going to keep all the rich people rich and all us who are working our asses off are going to have to work even harder because all we have is going to be taken to be spread to all the people who sit on their asses and collect a welfare check so they can deal drugs in their spare time. It's very hard to be positive about change when this is what I'm hearing. As a matter of fact.... I haven't heard hardly anything positive during this whole experience. All I've heard is how that guy over there is horrible because... and back and forth. What happened to trying to convince me because of what you were going to do with your administration? I can't afford cable so I haven't been able to watch any of the actual debates. All I know is what I can get from the internet at work and word of mouth. None of it has been great. How am I supposed to make an educated vote when all I hear is crap the biased media puts out. There are times when I really hate living in redneck / ghetto Mississippi. I'm surrounded by morons. It's either "you sure do got a pretty mouth" or "yo shorty". What the hell is that crap?! They all sound retarded. I swear if I had the money I'd just move to Scotland and be done with it. Back to the place of my ancestors! Problem is, I already live in the place of my ancestors. I live in what was my grandmother's house. Now because of what I'm hearing I'm afraid I may lose the house. My parents are absolutely panicked. Oh, and when I asked Obama supporters why they were voting for them... all they could tell me was that he's black or that it was because McCain is stupid. No reasons why, just that he's stupid. No one seems to know why the hell either of them would make a good president. STUPID! What happened to questioning intelligent minds?! I guess I need to figure out a way to afford cable. Either that or yell at people to give me enough time to look up the debates on you tube. I guess it's a bit late for that now. Oh well, my vote may have been absolutely useless but at least I voted. I don't think our votes matter at all anyway because we'd be really naive not to know by now that the electoral college are the ones who really decide the vote and we all know that their votes go to the highest bidder so what we do doesn't matter anyway. So, now we have to live with the decision that was made. Let's hope that it all comes out okay. Here's to survival!

I'm Back!

2008-11-04T16:45:18Z

I have not touched live journal since I lived in Indiana but I have computer access every weekday again so... I'm Back! I'll probably be cutting and pasting some of my incredibly bad poetry here from some of my other blogs on Yahoo! 360 and Myspace. A little late but... Merry Samhain everyone! Just a quick update for my Indiana friends that I haven't spoken to in forever: David and I broke up and I moved back to Mississippi June 1, 2006. My parents had just finished rebuilding my house (it was easier to do mine) and moved into it out of their FEMA trailer. Their house had barely been touched. I moved into their FEMA trailer, just me and my two cats (Spaz and Tabbitha). Spiritually, I went ahead and got my third degree with Mary's coven. The coven went through some dramatic changes within the first month that I was back. My high priestess and high priest had it out big time and went their separate ways. I decided to continue learning from Mary with the most neutral outlook I could posess. I stuck around for a little over a year after I got my third degree and tried to help as much as I could but I eventually saw the coven dwindle to a smaller and smaller group. I decided it was time to branch out on my own. My best friend, Gus, and I are attempting to get a new coven off the ground. We're taking our time and trying to iron out as many details as we can. I'll keep updating when I can about that. In February of this year (2008), my parents finally finished with their house, moved into it, and I finally was able to be back in my own house. Yeah! It still feels weird sometimes. The cats love the fact that they have corners to run around again. Lol. On the subject of dating: Well, I never was really good at it (obviously!) Lol. I saw some old "friends" and then I had a very short (2 months) run with a romantic theater geek who turned out to be quite the liar and not at all concerned for my well being. Then I met this guy who just turned my world upside down. Fantastic in bed and good looking. Unfortunately, he's married. I think I'm finally clearing the fantasy fog from my eyes. I don't think I'm cut out for traditional relationships. I don't know that a husband, kids, and a picket fence is going to make me happy. It's what I wanted for so long though that I don't know what I want now. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Lol. Jobs. I was working as a security guard at Dupont in Delisle until April of this year when I started as a clerk for the Public Defender's office in Harrison County. It's a third of the drive time, less work, more pay, better benefits, and I can't stand almost everyone I work with. I can't stand fake Barbies. These aren't just any Barbies either. They're ghetto barbies. Ever heard anyone speak valley ubonics? It's really annoying. It's okay though because they can be really nice when they want to be. On a side note... I'm very disappointed in myself because I have gained back almost all the weight I had lost before Katrina. I've got to get back to walking again. This desk job is killing me in laziness. Also, lately, I have been totally obsessed with the Dresden Dolls and anything by Amanda Palmer (lead singer of the Dresden Dolls). Long live the Punk Cabaret! Amazing shows! I wish I could actually see one in person. Well, I have to do some actual work now so... I'll write again soon. Mwahh!